Tag Archives: Ridiculous experiments in fiction

10 Years Later — and Four Minutes Older

So, was anyone else underwhelmed with the preview of “Sweet Valley Confidential”? I mean, it’s nice to know that Elizabeth cries when she comes and all, but a Sweet Valley without a date-rapist Bruce Patman is a Sweet Valley I don’t want any part of.

I’m gearing up to tackle “Sweet Valley Confidential” Four Minutes Older style. Join me at my new site, www.fourminutesolder.com, for day-shift hooker Jessica, gold-diggin’ Lila and a Bruce who still has the balls to attempt date rape!

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Prom Baby! – The full story

Full text of this year’s NaNo, “Prom Baby!” after the jump. If you are looking for the 2007 NaNo, “Double Penetration,” click here. NSFW – or any occasion, really

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Prom Baby! = Official 2009 NaNoWriMo Win

Made it to 50K with time to spare! Thanks for reading (and keeping me accountable for crossing the finish line)!

NaNo2009 Winner

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Read the whole story here

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, but here’s an easier way to read my NaNo ’07 novel, “Double Penetration,” without the navigation/formatting issues presented by blogging. Click here to read the whole story

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Domestic violence is not funny (unless it’s happening to Jessica Wakefield)

   “Look, if there’s something specific that you have to tell me about him, go ahead. Otherwise, shut up.”

“He’s arrogant and self-centered. He’ll hurt you.” (SVH #3, Playing With Fire, p. 35)

Jessica looked away, avoiding her twin’s penetrating gaze. The truth was that Bruce had already hurt her. Elizabeth, observant as she was (being a real reporter and all), had failed to notice that the bruises Jessica had been coming home with weren’t the result of a Lila-orchestrated fall from a cheerleading pyramid. No, they were the result of Bruce Patman’s anger, a terrifying force Jessica had first witnessed when she’d made fun of the Patman family fortune.

“Honestly, Bruce,” she’d laughed while they were headed to the beach in his Porsche, “who even buys Patman’s Peaches?”

Everyone buys Patman’s Peaches,” Bruce growled in defense of his father’s successful canning business.

“Well, I don’t,” Jessica said. Of course, that’s because I don’t eat, she thought, sneaking a glance at herself in the side mirror. As usual, she looked perfect.

“What do you buy, the store brand?” Bruce asked, snorting in disgust.

“No!” Jessica gasped, horrifed. “We’re not, like, poor, you know.”

“You’re poor to me,” Bruce said, raising his voice in anger. “Patman’s Peaches bought the Porsche you’re sitting in right now, and Patman’s Peaches bought you that broke-ass weave, and Patman’s Peaches bought you the thong you seem to enjoy showing off to everyone in Sweet Valley when you cheer at the football games!”

And with that, Bruce slapped Jessica across the face.

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A ho is a ho

    “Have you heard the news about Ronnie and Enid?” Cara whispered, catching sight of Ronnie standing over by the fireplace. Gossip was gossip, as far as she was concerned. It didn’t much matter who the target was. (SVH #2, Secrets, p. 55)

Lila sniffed. “You mean that they broke up because she and some dumb boyfriend she used to have ran over some kid when they were high and didn’t even kill him?”

“You know what else I heard?” Jessica asked, dropping her voice to a whisper.

“What?” Cara asked, excited to grab any piece of information she could get on the situation.

“Enid used to sell her body to support her habit!” Jessica declared dramatically.

Lila recoiled in horror. “What?” she screeched. “Who would pay to get with that?

Jessica shrugged. “I don’t know,” she answered. “Anyway, Lila, you, of all people, should understand.”

“Please,” Lila said, sticking her nose in the air. “You know I don’t just indiscriminately give hand jobs in dark alleys for smack. I’m strictly a high-class call girl.”

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Murderous!

“Get back in the car,” Todd commanded them soberly as Rick released them to advance on this new menace. Rick’s fists were knotted at his sides, and there was a murderous look in his eye. (SVH #1, Double Love, p. 164)

“Todd!” Elizabeth screamed, frightened. “What are you going to do? You weigh even less than I do!” And I have an eating disorder, she thought grimly.

“I play basketball,” Todd said, his voice a low growl as he pushed up his shirt sleeves. “And that’s enough.”

Jessica and Elizabeth exchanged glances as they slid back into the Fiat, obeying Todd’s command. The Sweet Valley High basketball players were known for being complete badasses.

“He’s got a point,” Jessica reasoned, shrugging.

I hope he’ll be okay, Elizabeth prayed silently. Ever since she’d first caught sight of Todd after school with his shirt partially unbuttoned to reveal a pale, scrawny chest, she’d felt an inexplicable stirring in her loins whenever the thought of him crossed her mind. And although he’d broken her heart by being manipulated into attending this week’s dance with Jessica, she still wasn’t prepared to watch him get his ass kicked by Sweet Valley High’s most notorious dropout, Rick Andover, in the parking lot of Kelly’s roadhouse!

It was as if everything that happened next moved in slow motion. Jessica watched with mild disinterest and Elizabeth watched with sheer horror as Rick swung his fist, connecting it with Todd’s nose. Todd sailed backwards onto the hard gravel. Rick stood over Todd, swaying drunkenly.

“Wow,” Jessica said with sudden admiration. “Rick is so … strong.”

“Jess, he knocked down an 80-pound tranny,” Elizabeth said. “He’s not that strong.”

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